And when you get to the very front, where I sit like Caesar on a throne made not of marble but made from bathroom selfies and protein shakes, there are the tallest, darkest and most handsome of them all. I’ll block oldies and I’m not into daddies.” I’m an ageist wanker who prefers younger, inexperienced men who perhaps won’t realise I’m a devastatingly disappointing fuck. unless you want me to.” Spoiler: the sex probably isn’t going to be that good and I will say “fuck, yeah” a lot during the act in the mistaken belief this makes me sound ‘kinky’. “I like going out and staying in.” I am a deeply complex and unusual person! “Looking for a reason to delete this app.” I, too, am looking for true love, without which I couldn’t possibly press and hold my finger on the icon of this dating app, then press the little ‘x’ that appears in the corner of the icon, deleting it for ever.Each one is on his knees, praying to his god (that would be me), hoping he’ll be the one selected by me to have uninspiring, brief and regrettable sex in a box room that could really do with vacuuming. Yes, I can definitely only do that once I have collected a slew of marriage proposals, not before. Oh, and I also head up an international crime syndicate, have a meth lab in my kitchen and have killed a man – but my life’s too uninteresting to talk about really and I never know what to write on these things.I guess I’m being unrealistic looking for something deeper on here, but it would be nice to find out.If that’s not what you’re after, keep on moving.” Pump me raw, stranger.But of course, rather than say that I want a relationship and rule myself out of any anonymous boning, I’ll only say that I ‘might’ be looking. “Tall, dark and handsome to the front of the queue.” War-torn Afghanistan has nothing on the devastation caused by the hordes vying for my affections.There are catfights, broken hearts and bloodshed at every stage of this miles-long queue, each suitor more beautiful and statuesque than the last. “I love to laugh.” That’s not to say I do laugh, or indeed will laugh. Usually when I manage a chortle, it’s at something inappropriate like a child falling over, or you, in three months’ time, telling me that this isn’t really working out. Relationships: Why Do Some Relationships Come To An End When One Person Has Therapy? Modern Day Dating: Seriousness is out of the window Relationships: Are Some People More Interested In What People Say Than What They Do? Online Dating: Can Someone Increase Their Chances Of Being Rejected When They Edit Their Pictures?
“Many times, I’ve seen a profile that reads ‘looking for a woman who's a good cook.’ The translation is ‘cook and housekeeper.’ Ditto for ‘I’m a traditional man who enjoys being a man.’ Watch out, he's looking for someone to manage and he's going to control you,” warned Marcia King-Gamble, a relationship and dating expert. “When someone describes themselves as ‘God fearing,’ that always puts me off.
Thing is, I don’t want people to think I’m only here for the sex, oh no.